by Tina Sundly
Do you ever walk away from a conversation thinking: “That didn’t go like I planned?” Have you ever felt that you just wanted to have a better outcome in some of your conversations?
Many of us are fairly effective at holding difficult conversations with people we know and trust and can engage in healthy dialogue (defined as the free flow of meaning). The real challenge comes when we hold conversations that involve high stakes, opposing viewpoints, and strong emotions. That’s when a conversation becomes “crucial.”
Based on the ground-breaking research in the book Crucial Conversations®: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High* by VitalSmarts™, we all handle conversations differently:
- On our worst days, we typically run from crucial conversations (clam up) or try to compel others to our way of thinking (blow up—“be reasonable, do it MY way!”), and nothing really changes.
- On our good days, we tend to either sugarcoat or ramrod conversations or do a “workaround,” with marginal results.
- On our best days, we are 100% candid and 100% respectful, have a positive influence, and improve our results.
Since crucial conversations are more challenging to hold, chances are many of us struggle with whether to address a problem or avoid it altogether. Is it worth the extra effort? Ask yourself these two questions:
- What results do you want that you’re not getting?
- What crucial conversation is not being held or not being held well that perpetuates your problem?
If you have a conversation that is not being held, or not being held well, and it is keeping you from getting results, what do you do next?
First, you need to determine the gist of your concern. Boil it down to one sentence (problem statement). Then define what result you really want when the conversation is done. This critical step helps you focus your thoughts on what’s most important to you in holding a conversation.
Second, decide if it’s a content, pattern, or relationship issue.
- Content – The first time a problem comes up
- Pattern – A continuing problem (this isn’t the first time)
- Relationship – A problem in the overall relationship
This will help you determine the “right” conversation that needs to be held. For example, if it’s a content problem, discuss what you observed or heard and focus on how to correct the behavior. If you determine the problem is a continuing issue (pattern), your approach should include examples of several instances when the problem was noted.
If it’s a relationship problem, focus on how the issue is affecting how you work together. These problems usually come in the form of truly important issues like trust, respect, or competence.
It’s critically important to identify the type of conversation that needs to be held. Here are a couple of tips to help you with this step:
- Just because you’re talking doesn’t mean you’re holding the right conversation.
- Strong emotions are a sign you’re holding the wrong conversation.
- If you’re stuck at one level, move a level deeper.
- Obsessively rehashing a conversation is a sign you held the wrong conversation.
So now you’ve identified the problem and what type of crucial conversation you need to hold. The next step is to look at how to hold the conversation in the most effective way to get the results you want. You definitely need to look at yourself to see if you are part of the problem—this is called “Start With Heart.”
If you have already “held court in your head” about the other person you are working with, it will come across in the conversation. You need to check your “stories” to see if you have made any assumptions, jumped to a conclusion, or attributed plain old “bad motive” to the other person’s actions. If so, then you are part of the problem.
At this stage, the goal should be to engage in open dialogue that captures the most information from both parties. This joint information is referred to as the “pool of shared meaning.” There is a “path to action” for both parties involved that helps or hinders information getting into that pool of shared meaning. When you hold tough conversations, often the first thing that dwindles is your motives.
People never become defensive about what you’re saying—they become defensive because of why they think you’re saying it (intent vs. content). It’s important to keep your motives in check during tough conversations in order to get the most information into the pool of shared meaning. Here are a couple tips for increasing the pool:
- Slower is faster. Dialogue takes time; the alternative takes longer.
- The more people share information, the larger the pool.
- The larger the pool, the more capable and willing people are to take action.
If the conversation starts to degrade, go back to your problem statement and what you really want. Check your motives to make sure your behaviors are mirroring what you really want. Keep the conversation focused on the right discussion and encourage sharing, foster mutual respect, and work toward the results you really want.
Tough conversations are not easy to hold, but they are definitely worth the effort—and the results! Don’t trade the possibility of an uncomfortable conversation for the certainty of poor working relationships and poor results.
The measure of success is not whether or not you have a tough problem to deal with, but whether it’s the same problem you had last year.
- John Foster Dulles
Fortunately, the skills for mastering difficult conversations are learnable and transferable and have had significant impact on improving results in quality, productivity, turnover, and error rates.
For more information on putting Crucial Conversations® skills to work in your organization, please contact us. Wipfli is a VitalSmarts™ Associate, and Tina Sundly is a certified trainer for the Crucial Conversations® Mastery Course. Please contact her at 715.858.6640, or e-mail tsundly@wipfli.com.
*Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Grenny, Patterson, Switzler, and McMillan (2002 McGraw-Hill).